Shiny Palkia
by Empress Venus
Summary: After a strange and creepy encounter, Ash decides to find out what a shiny Palkia is. Problem is, a lot of people aren't willing to tell.


**Shiny Palkia**

* * *

This fanfic contains an overwhelming amount of innuendo and some rather disturbing themes. It is positively brain breaking. Shiny Palkia is rather suspicious looking after all.

I do not own Pokémon and neither do I own Pedobear. Yes, Pedobear is in here, for those of you who know what it is. It's not really necessary to know to enjoy this fic though.

* * *

A very strange and creepy man was sitting at the edge of the road, gazing into the distance with a strange and creepy look on his face. He was wearing dishevelled clothes and had long, messy hair that fell below his shoulders. It looked like the man hadn't bathed and brushed his hair in weeks. Any sane or sensible person who happened to come walking along the road would have taken one look at the man then started running as fast as they could so that they didn't get their throat cut or something equally as horrible.

The bedraggled man looked up as he heard the sound of footsteps and saw three young people walking toward him. One was a dark-haired boy wearing a red baseball cap, with a Pikachu sitting upon his shoulder, then there was a taller boy with brown hair and squinty eyes. The third person was a girl who looked to be the same age as the hat wearing boy, who had blue hair and an amazingly short skirt. She held a Piplup in her arms.

"Hey, look, there's a guy just sitting by the road." Ash stopped and pointed right at the man, regardless of the fact the man was looking at them and what he was doing looked extremely rude. "Why don't we stop and talk to him?"

"Pikachu?" Pikachu looked at his trainer in exasperation. He couldn't understand why Ash always had an uncontrollable urge to interact with and help out every single stranger they saw. It was also quite bizarre how these strangers never appeared again afterward. Just where did they go?

"I don't think that's a very good idea though." Brock looked at the man, his forehead creasing in a suspicious frown. "There is something very strange about him. Maybe we should just keep walking past and pretend we didn't see him."

"Pretend we didn't see him? Ash is still pointing at him." Dawn reached out and smacked Ash's arm, causing him to bring it down. "Will you stop that? We don't want the man to get angry at us because you were rude. Let's just keep going and ignore him. There's something rather creepy about the way he looks. I don't like it."

"I can't believe you two!" Ash exclaimed, looking at Brock and Dawn in annoyance. "You would just walk right past and ignore the guy? What if he needs help? I'm going to talk to him." Before they could stop him, he had already marched purposefully over to the strange and creepy man who hadn't even moved an inch, still sitting on the roadside. "Hey, sir, are you alright?"

"Oh, geez." Dawn slapped her hand against her face in disgust. "Even I know better than to approach creepy looking strangers."

"Problem is, Ash lacks commonsense," Brock sighed, as the two walked over to stand behind Ash.

"Oh yes, I am absolutely fine, boy," the man said, getting to his feet and giving Ash a very creepy grin. His teeth were a disgusting shade of yellow, further emphasising the fact this strange and creepy man knew nothing about hygiene whatsoever. "My name is Phil Edope. I am a poor and homeless man. These dirty rags are all I own. I am so happy that someone would actually come and talk to a poor, lonely man like me."

"I am Ash Ketchum and I'm on a journey to become a Pokémon Master," Ash declared. "So, you don't have anywhere to live? If you had a Pokémon, you could travel with it and stay at a Pokémon Center."

Phil threw back his head and let out a very creepy laugh that caused Dawn to quake in her boots and tighten her hold on Piplup for comfort. Brock raised an eyebrow, looking quite perturbed at having heard such a chilling laugh. Ash, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind. "Well, as a matter of fact, Ash, I do have a Pokémon of my very own. It is quite special. Say, would you like to come and see it?"

"Come and see it?" Ash repeated, looking blank. "Don't you keep it in a Poké Ball?"

Phil just laughed crazily, extremely amused by Ash's question. Dawn whimpered and backed away. Brock backed away as well, wondering if he should grab Ash and they could all run for it before this crazy man did something. "Alright, kiddo, you want to come and see my shiny Palkia then?" he asked, clamping his hands down on Ash's shoulders and leering creepily.

"A Palkia?" Ash exclaimed in shock, his eyes widening. "A shiny one? Of course I want to see it!"

"Then come along and see my shiny Palkia." Phil smiled sinisterly and took hold of Ash's arm, pulling him into the nearby wood by the road.

Brock and Dawn were still standing in the road, staring into the distance with confused expressions. They weren't even sure what had just happened there. First Ash had talked to some creepy guy, the creepy guy had creeped them out and then he had taken Ash away to see his so-called shiny Palkia.

"Uh... why would a homeless and poor man have a legendary Pokémon?" Dawn asked, turning to look at Brock. "What would the God of Space be doing in a wood anyway? Wouldn't it be hanging out in some other dimension or something?"

Brock snapped back to reality, a stunned expression appearing on his face. "Did that creepy man just drag Ash off into the wood?"

"Yeah. Ash wanted to see his shiny Palkia." Dawn shrugged in a weary manner. "That man must be a pretty good Pokémon trainer. Oh well, no need to worry, right?" She smiled awkwardly.

"There is a need to worry!" Brock yelled, running into the wood. Dawn sighed and followed him, not seeing what all the fuss was about.

The two Pokémon trainers soon found Ash and the creepy man not far into the wood. There was no Palkia in sight, yet they appeared to have stopped walking for some reason.

"So where's the Palkia?" Ash asked, looking around. "I've already seen one, but to actually see a shiny one? This is so cool. I can't believe you actually have a shiny Palkia!"

"Why don't you show me your shiny Palkia first?" Phil asked, looking at him with a very strange and creepy smile.

"Eh?" Ash raised an eyebrow, looking quite perplexed. "What are you talking about? I don't even have any legendary Pokémon, let alone a Palkia."

"Don't be shy, Ash. I just want to see." Phil walked toward him, flashing his yellow teeth.

"Pikachuuuu!" The freaked out yellow mouse Pokémon leaped off Ash's shoulder and fried Phil with a Thunderbolt. Phil screamed as the volts went coursing through his body and he was sent flying into a tree, twitching erratically.

"Pikachu, why did you do that?" Ash looked at Pikachu in shock. Pikachu crashed to the ground, a sweatdrop rolling down his head.

"Ash, let's go." Brock walked up to him. "The man doesn't even have a Palkia. He was just fooling you."

"That's strange though. Why would the man think Ash had a shiny Palkia?" Dawn stopped to think. "Unless, he didn't literally mean a shiny Palkia, but something else." She gasped. "Maybe..."

"What?" Ash looked curiously at her. "If a shiny Palkia isn't a Palkia, then what is it?"

"You'll realise when you're older," Brock said quickly. He looked at Dawn, who was now going red in the face. "Just how did you know?"

"My mom gave me the talk already," Dawn replied nonchalantly. "So, you really don't get it, Ash?"

"You guys aren't even going to tell me?" Ash looked injured. "Well, fine. I'm going to go and find from someone else what a shiny Palkia is supposed to be." He turned and ran out of the wood, Pikachu hurrying after him.

"Jeez, Ash." Dawn slumped over, looking weary. "I swear he just likes to go looking for trouble. We'd better go after him before something else happens."

"First, we should take that guy to Officer Jenny..." Brock turned and looked at the tree, seeing that Phil Edope was long gone. "Well, drat. Fine, let's follow after Ash."

Meanwhile, Ash was hurrying along the road when he saw a familiar person standing in the middle of an open field, training his Pokémon. He hurried toward the older, purple-haired trainer. "Paul! Hey, Paul!" he yelled, waving his hands over his head.

Paul gritted his teeth in annoyance as he heard the voice and turned around to see Ash coming toward him. "Oh, it's you," he said, crossing his arms and looking mildly haughty. "What do you want?"

"Are you training your Pokémon?" Ash looked at Torterra, who was firing random attacks at Ursaring. Nearby, Weavile and Honchkrow were skilfully dodging each other's attacks.

"No, they are just having a party and they like to celebrate by attacking each other," Paul muttered in a sarcastic tone. He gave Ash a dry look. "What do you think?"

"You don't have to be mean." Ash frowned, the familiar feeling of annoyance rising inside him. No, he couldn't get mad now, not when he had a very important question to ask Paul. It would be better to stay on his good side for the moment. "I was wondering if you knew what a shiny Palkia was supposed to be?"

Paul just stared at him, an eyebrow raised and his mouth hanging open in disbelief. He distinctly remembered his brother showing him what he called "phallic" Pokémon. Paul hadn't found it terribly amusing at the time and he still didn't. The thought of looking at a Pokémon and comparing it to body parts just struck him as ridiculous. Now, that irritating trainer who could almost be called the bane of his existence was right here, asking him what a shiny Palkia was supposed to be. It was just so unlikely that he was almost convinced this was some kind of bad dream.

"Why do you want to know that?" Paul asked stiffly, turning away as if he wished to end the conversation right there.

"Well, you see, I met this really strange guy just now sitting by the road and he was homeless too. I asked him if he had any Pokémon and he said he did, so he took me to see it. The man even told me that it was supposed to be a shiny Palkia," Ash explained. "He had an odd name too. I think it was something like... Phil Edope."

"Phil... Edope...?" Paul almost choked on the words. He had thought Ash was a little dim-witted before, but now he was starting to see that Ash was _really_ lacking in intelligence.

All of Paul's Pokémon had stopped what they were doing to listen in on the conversation. Throwing attacks at each other could get tiring after a while and they certainly appreciated the chance to take a break now and then.

"Uh huh, and he took me into the wood to see the shiny Palkia," Ash continued speaking. "But then he stopped walking and asked me to show him my shiny Palkia. Isn't that weird? I mean, why would I have a shiny Palkia? I didn't get to see his shiny Palkia either, because Pikachu got scared and used Thunderbolt on him. What was the big deal? The guy was just being nice, though he was a little strange."

"You don't even know what a shiny Palkia is?" Paul sighed in disgust. "Not that I care about what happens to you, but if some creepy guy comes along and asks you to see his shiny Palkia, then you just ignore him and run. Moron."

"Are you calling me a moron?" Ash clenched his fists angrily. "I bet you don't even know what a shiny Palkia is. I am going to find out because Brock and Dawn won't even tell me."

Ursaring had been listening very intently the whole time. This conversation was so incredibly fascinating, that it felt like it just had to do something. What was it supposed to do? That strange gut feeling suddenly took hold and it began to glow white.

"Ah!" Ash pointed at Ursaring, looking surprised. "Your Ursaring is evolving!"

Paul had his back to Ursaring, having turned to look at Ash again when giving him his advice. He frowned in annoyance, looking quite unimpressed at what he thought was Ash playing a trick on him. "Oh, very funny. You really expect me to fall for that? Ursaring doesn't even have an evolution." Paul narrowed his eyes and turned around, his jaw dropping in shock as he looked at the glowing Pokémon.

As Ursaring glowed, its form grew slightly larger and rounder. When the glow faded, the bear Pokémon now had long, gangly legs and slender arms, as well as round, black eyes and a goofy looking smile. "PEE!" it cried out, raising its arms above its head and doing a happy dance.

"What just happened to my Ursaring?" Paul yelled, looking extremely bewildered. He simply couldn't believe this. Ursaring_ couldn't _ evolve! It was much too early for mysterious new Pokémon that nobody had ever seen before to suddenly start popping up all over the place as well.

"It evolved." Ash smiled smugly, glad to have seen Paul look like an idiot. He took out his Pokédex and brandished it at the bear Pokémon.

"Pedobear, the Sick Pokémon," explained the Pokédex. "It is the final evolution of Teddiursa and Ursaring. This Pokémon is particularly fond of children."

"You did this, didn't you?" Paul cried out accusingly, rounding on Ash. "It was your talk of creepy men and shiny Palkia that made Ursaring turn into that... that abomination!"

"Don't be silly, Paul." Ash put away the Pokédex. "Your Pokémon was just ready to evolve and it did."

"Peeeeeedo!" Pedobear came running at them, its eyes turning into hearts.

"What are you shouting about?" Paul looked over his shoulder, seeing Pedobear dashing over to them at an alarmingly fast pace. He quickly dived out of the way, looking quite disgruntled. "Just what are you playing at?"

"Yikes!" Ash screamed as Pedobear came straight toward him, arms outstretched as if it intended to hug him. He turned around and started running. Pedobear continued to pursue him, calling out its name happily. "Paul, get this thing away from me!" he pleaded, leading Pedobear in a circle and running back toward Paul. "Help!"

"Pika?" Pikachu watched in confusion. He couldn't understand why Paul's newly evolved Pokémon wanted to give Ash a hug. Since when did Pokémon get so affectionate toward their trainers' rivals?

"Pedobear!" Paul couldn't help grimacing as he said its name. Honestly, what kind of a name was Pedobear supposed to be? He held out its Poké Ball. "Return!"

Pedobear cried out in dismay as the red beam of light hit it, recalling it back into the Poké Ball.

"Whew..." Ash leaned over on his knees, gasping for breath. "Thanks for that," he said, looking at Paul gratefully. "Pedobear sure was freaky."

"This is all your fault," Paul snapped angrily, proceeding to recall all his other Pokémon. "Thanks a lot for making my Pokémon turn into some freak of nature." He turned away and stormed off.

"How is it my fault?" Ash protested, sounding irritated. It wasn't like he had told Ursaring to go and evolve. Paul was being really unfair, blaming him like that. "Hmm... well, I should go and ask someone else what a shiny Palkia is. Come on, Pikachu, let's go look for someone who can tell us."

"Pika." Pikachu hopped onto Ash's shoulder, looking quite reluctant. What if they ran into more strange and creepy people?

Ash returned to the road and continued walking. There was nobody else around, but he soon saw something that could help him. "Alright, a phone box!" Ash exclaimed, running up to the box and stepping inside. "I will call Professor Oak and ask him what a shiny Palkia is supposed to be. He's a Pokémon professor, so he must know things like this, right?" The young trainer from Pallet Town eagerly dialed the number for his laboratory.

The phone rang a few times before it was picked up and Professor Oak appeared in the screen. He smiled as he saw who the caller was. "Oh, hello, Ash. Have you got some interesting news for me?"

"Actually, Professor, I was hoping that you could tell me something," Ash said, looking serious. "You know about Palkia, right? Well, can you tell me what a shiny Palkia is?"

"Palkia? Hold on." Professor Oak turned away to type in something on his computer. A picture of a Palkia came up on the screen, along with some details. "Let's see, Palkia is the Pokémon who rules over space. Impressive. Are you telling me that you have actually seen a Palkia?"

"Yeah, I have." Ash nodded. "You wouldn't know what a shiny one looks like though, would you?"

"Shiny? Like your Noctowl?" Professor Oak asked, looking surprised. "Well, yes, strangely enough, I do have pictures of the shiny version of every Pokémon on my computer. A friend of mine did some extensive research into alternate coloured Pokémon and he was quite happy to share it with me. Now then..." He tapped on the computer keyboard again, bringing up a picture of a real shiny Palkia. "Normal Palkias are a pale lavender colour with purple stripes. Shiny Palkia on the other hand are bright pink with red stripes."

"Cool." Ash looked impressed. "I'll have to look at those pictures of shiny Pokémon next time I'm in Pallet Town. You will show me, won't you?"

"Of course, Ash. So, why did you want to know about shiny Palkia anyway?" Professor Oak asked.

"Well, this weird guy was asking me if I wanted to see his shiny Palkia before but he didn't seem to actually have one," Ash explained. "It would be a bit weird if someone actually had a Palkia, wouldn't it? Then the guy was asking to see my shiny Palkia. Why would he think I had one?"

"Hmm, that is quite bizarre." Professor Oak turned back to the computer, looking at the picture of a shiny Palkia with an intent frown. There was something about this picture that was greatly bothering him. As he looked at the tip of its head, then his eyes ran along the long neck and came to the round shoulders, his mouth dropped open in shock.

"Professor Oak?" Ash frowned. "You've become very quiet. Is something the matter?"

Professor Oak quickly turned back to the video screen, chuckling nervously. His face had turned a few shades paler. "Look, Ash, if some stranger ever approaches you and talks about shiny Palkia, then you just get away from them as quickly as you can. There are some dangerous people in this world, you see. Just stay away from them."

"So you know what a shiny Palkia is? Tell me!" Ash pleaded. "Brock and Dawn won't tell me and it's getting on my nerves. I want to know what this shiny Palkia thing is about."

"Bye!" Professor Oak waved cheerfully at the screen before disconnecting the call.

"Why won't anyone tell me?" Ash slammed the receiver down in frustration, glaring at the blank video screen. "I am not going to let anything stop me. Sooner or later, I am going to find out the truth behind this shiny Palkia stuff. Nothing will get in my way!"

"Chuuu..." Pikachu slumped over on his shoulder, looking tired. He wanted Ash to just forget about it already, but it seemed that his stubborn trainer wasn't planning on doing that anytime soon.

Ash had barely left the phone box when a giant mech that greatly looked like a Barboach came rolling toward him. He stared in shock at the giant mech, wondering if it belonged to a certain trio of Pokémon thieves. Why would they choose Barboach though when there weren't even any around? It made very little sense to him. The mech stopped a few feet in front of him and a platform at the top of the mech rose from the inside. A red-haired woman, blue-haired man and a Meowth stood on the platform.

"Team Rocket!" Ash shouted.

"Listen, is that a twerpish voice I hear?"

"It's shrieking to me loud and clear."

"On the wind."

"Past the stars... why do I even say that when I'm sometimes shown standing on rocky terrain anyway? It's ridiculous."

"Don't go messing up the motto now! In your ear... now that I think about it, it's a lame line. And I'm shown jumping in the sky while saying it?"

"Bringing chaos at a breakneck pace."

"Dashing hope, bringing fear in its place."

"A rose by any other name smells just as sweet... speaking of bad lines, I still think James should be the one saying this."

"When everything's worse, our work is complete. I thought we were Pokémon thieves, not out to make things... er, worse."

"Jessie!"

"James!"

"And Meowth, now dat's a name!"

"Putting the do-gooders in their place..."

"We're Team Rocket..."

"In your face!"

Ash looked confused as usual. "Uh, okay then. You know, that motto is pretty lame. So, what are you up to now, and why the Barboach?"

"It was my idea." James grinned, looking pleased with himself. "After all, I'm pretty fond of huge Barboach."

"James! Not in front of the twerp!" Jessie snapped angrily at him.

"Hey, wait a minute, where are your twerp friends?" Meowth looked around in confusion. "Why aren't you hanging out with some random person none of us have ever met before so that we can steal their Pokémon? At least, that was supposed to be our plan."

Ash was about to get Pikachu to use Thunderbolt on them, but he stopped. Jessie and James were adults. That meant they would surely know what this shiny Palkia business was all about. It seemed like a crazy idea, but he could try asking them. "Hey, Team Rocket, I've got a question that's been bothering me for a while now. In exchange for me not telling Pikachu to send you blasting off, could you help me out?"

Jessie, James and Meowth stared at him, their mouths hanging slack in surprise. Instead of sending them blasting off, the twerp actually wanted their help? Since they didn't want to get a helping of Pikachu's Thunderbolt, they quickly came down from the mech to listen to him.

"You see, it's like this," Ash started saying, as they all sat on the ground. "I met some strange guy a while ago talking about shiny Palkia."

"Palkia? As in dat real big dragon Pokémon that rules space?" Meowth asked.

"That's right." Ash nodded. "I really thought the guy had a shiny Palkia and he was going to show me it..." He broke off as James started laughing. "Hey, what's so funny?"

"You thought he was talking about a real Palkia?" James was doubled over with laughter. "You really are naive, twerp!"

Jessie shook her head and sighed, holding up her arms wearily. "First Barboach, now this." She crossed her arms and looked at Ash dryly. "So, did you get to see his shiny Palkia then?"

"No." Ash pouted slightly, looking disgruntled. "The guy took me into the wood, saying he was going to show me, but then he asked to see my shiny Palkia."

"Oh man!" James beat on the ground with his fists, his eyes tearing up. "Maybe I should hang out with you sometime, twerp, you sure do meet some interesting people."

"It's not funny, James," Jessie growled. "He's just a kid. Look, twerp." She pointed at him, looking fierce. "There are people out there who are so crazy, they even make me look sane and that's an accomplishment in itself. Next time you meet these crazy people, you don't look twice at them."

"What's dis shiny Palkia business about anyway?" Meowth asked, scratching his head. "None of it makes any sense to me."

"That's what I want to know!" Ash exclaimed. "Brock and Dawn wouldn't tell me, then I asked Professor Oak and he wouldn't tell me either. So... will you guys tell me what it's all about, because I really don't get it and I just want to hear the truth already."

"Oh?" James smiled slyly. "So you want to know, do you? What do you think, Jessie, should we tell him what a shiny Palkia is?"

"And completely destroy his innocence?" Jessie didn't seem too impressed with the idea. "I don't think the twerp's going to get it even if we explain it to him, he's just too dense."

"I am not dense!" Ash snapped. Why was everyone insulting him today? "Just tell me what it is."

"Fine, come on then." James got to his feet, looking greatly amused. "I'll show you what a shiny Palkia is and even explain why it's called that."

Jessie, Meowth and Pikachu watched in surprise as James led Ash behind a tree. Meowth turned to look at Jessie, blinking. "Uh, do I want to know what a shiny Palkia is?"

"No. No, you don't." Jessie looked at the tree in exasperation. She hoped the twerp wasn't going to suffer permanent brain trauma from this.

Ten minutes later, Brock and Dawn soon found Ash wandering along the road with Pikachu on his shoulder. He had a vacant look on his face and didn't seem to be aware of anything around him.

"Hey, Ash!" Dawn waved a hand in his face, trying to get a reaction. "Where have you been? We've been searching for you for ages."

Ash blinked. "Dawn? I think my brain is broken."

"Huh?" Brock realised that Ash seemed to be in a state of trauma. "Ash... did you learn about the shiny Palkia thing?"

Ash whimpered and hit the ground, curling up into the fetal position, a blue aura surrounding his body. "No... please don't ever mention it again..." he moaned.

"Chu." Pikachu let out a sigh in the shape of a mushroom cloud, as Brock and Dawn looked sympathetically at the traumatised wreck who had the misfortune to learn what a shiny Palkia was.

Meanwhile, Phil Edope struck again, trying to attract Paul's attention with talk of his shiny Palkia. Paul was so furious to meet the person who had put stupid questions in Ash's head in the first place that he promptly sicked Torterra, Electabuzz and Weavile on the strange and creepy man, beating him to within a few inches of his life. He then flagged down a passing Officer Jenny who was so glad to catch a roaming creep, she didn't even bother to tell Paul off for using his Pokémon in such a manner.

The next day, Ash was back to his normal self. However, if someone mentioned the words "shiny" and "Palkia" together, he would then become a quivering, traumatised wreck as he remembered learning just what a shiny Palkia was.


End file.
